Chapter 3 : Unpleasant Situations

You may never like everyone: Amy will always laugh a little too loudly and Dan just says the word ‘typical’ too much. You can avoid wanting to have lunch with them as much as you like but disliking someone doesn’t mean having to be rude to them. Particularly in the workplace, avoiding conflict and dealing with problems in a private, sensitive manner, is best for everyone.

Tips

-Avoid rivalries

-Don’t gossip

-Control you temper

-Treat people fairly

That said, sometimes you simply have to stand up for yourself, for your ethics or on someone else’s behalf. People can push it too far sometimes and you have to do something about it. Remember, it’s okay to be the person in the room who refuses to go along with everyone else if you have a good reason not to. History books are filled by the stories of people who went against the majority.

Unpleasant situations come in many forms – complaining about someone’s behaviour, having to reject an invitation, spending time with people you don’t want to. With a calm demeanour and a willingness to comprise these things can turn out much better than you spent all night thinking it would.

When dealing with an unpleasant situation, it’s important to take a step back and think. Sleep on it if you must. Sometimes it might be better to pick your battles. Yes, that’s terribly unfair advice but the world isn’t always fair. Accusing someone of bad conduct – even if they did it – can reflect badly on you, and if it’s an employer you are risking your job. Only you can decide whether the issue is important enough.

-Stay calm. She who shouts loses.

-Air any grievances in private. Confronting your mother-in-law about stealing your cutlery in front of the entire family is not going to work.

-For work related problems, it may be acceptable to sue the coward’s weapon: email. In most situations not confronting someone directly is seen badly, but certain cases it is useful to leave a paper trail.

-If you’re in the wrong, apologize – and mean it.

-Come prepared with a solution. It’s easy to moan about problems. But they’re more likely to get solved if you come with an idea.

Don’t

-Spread gossip about the person. Be respectful.

-Rolls your eyes or shake your head.

-If you agree to a compromise then you have to agree to it. If in doubt, ask for a little time to think before accepting.

If you’re the one being complained about or confronted be courteous and listen to what the other person is saying. Don’t be too defensive and try to talk through the problem together.

International Tip

In Chinese culture it is considered okay to smile in an uncomfortable situation. However, in many western countries this is thought to be incredibly rude as people will think you are not taking the issue seriously.

不是每个人都是你所喜欢的：艾米总是笑声太大，丹总是爱说“典型的”。你可以不和他们一起吃午饭，但是不喜欢不代表就可以对人粗鲁。特别是在办公室，避免冲突，私下解决问题总归是一种合适的态度。

小贴士

-避免树立对手

-不造谣生非

-控制情绪

-公平待人

有人说，有些时候你必须为自己，为你的良知，或者为他人而站出来。当有些人有的时候做得太过分的时候，我们就不得不做一些事情。请牢记，当你有充分理由拒绝顺从，你就可以拒绝。历史书上到处是与多数人为敌的人的传奇故事。

不愉快的情况各有各的不同——抱怨他人的行为，不得不拒绝一个邀请，和讨厌的人在一块等等。用平和的心态和积极妥协的态度来处理问题，比自己为一件事纠结一晚上更好。

当处理不愉快的时候，重要的是能够退一步想想。如有必要，可以考虑一天再做决定。不过有时选择迎接挑战会是更好的办法。的确，这是个非常不公平的建议，然而这个世界从来就是不公平的。指责别人的坏行为，也会对自己造成坏的影响，如果你是个职员，那么你就是在拿自己的工作来冒险。不过也只有你自己才能决定什么重要什么不重要。

-保持冷静。善战者不怒。

-所有不平私下解决。当着全家的面揭发岳母偷你东西并不体面。

-对于工作问题，利用懦夫的工具Email也许可以令人接受。大多数情况下，不敢面对面解决问题都是不和时宜的，然而有些问题只要修书一封还是挺管用的。

-如果你错了，请道歉——发自内心地。

-有备而来。谁都会抱怨，但是带着解决方案过来，结果就会大不一样。

不要：

-散布谣言，要尊重人。

-翻白眼，摇头。

-如果你同意妥协，那就妥协。如果有所迟疑，想想再做决定。

如果有其他人向你抱怨，那就有礼貌地听他说。不要过度的防卫，或者与之争论是非。

跨文化的小贴士

中国文化里，在不愉快的场景下微笑是可以被接受的。然而，在许多西方国家，这被看作是极端的粗鲁，其他人会觉得你对待问题非常不认真。